Love the one you're with

Psychotherapist, LCPC

Marriage is a big step, filled with deep meaning and mystery, especially in our faith. We often refer to Matthew 19:6: "What God has joined together, let no one separate."

While pop culture might joke about losing independence or question the relevance of marriage, it's important to understand what marriage truly entails. We spend much of our lives trying to figure out who we are and where we fit in the world. Studies show that we’re more predictable than we think. Each person brings their own unique personality and childhood experiences into a marriage. These traits shape how we see the world, handle stress, and interact with others. Understanding these traits in ourselves and our spouse is key to navigating marriage. 

Most of us enter relationships hoping to find someone who loves us as we are and with whom we can share happiness. We dream of a life together, imagining a perpetual sleepover with our best friend.

However, in our excitement, we might forget that our partner has their own expectations. This is where the adventure and challenge of marriage begin. Sharing a life means giving up some independence and privacy. It’s hard to hide our true selves when living so closely with someone. While avoiding difficult conversations might protect us from rejection, it also prevents the intimacy we crave. True intimacy requires vulnerability, which can be both scary and rewarding. Being open allows us to learn more about ourselves and our spouse. 

We all have blind spots about our own behavior, which is why feedback from others is so valuable. Even though we are all unique, our behaviors are often predictable. Theories of attachment, personality, and temperament help map out these patterns. Understanding these traits in ourselves and our spouse can be complex, but it's essential for a healthy relationship. Relationships challenge us to understand our partner and ourselves. The saying "opposites attract" often holds true because we admire the traits we lack. In the best moments, our differences create balance and strength. In the worst moments, we might wish our partner were different. Struggling with acceptance is normal, but most of our traits and those of our partner remain constant. 

Growth in marriage comes from accepting our spouse and ourselves as we are. Instead of focusing on what we or our spouse are not, we find deeper contentment and intimacy by embracing our unchanging qualities. Comparisons to others can lead to discontentment, but we can learn to be more open, caring, or playful without trying to change the core traits of our partner.

For instance, if we wish our spouse were more gentle, we might miss the strength and passion they bring. If we wish they were more outgoing, we might overlook their stability and agreeableness. Accepting our spouse’s qualities, even the ones that frustrate us, leads to a more complete partnership.