Better Balance,
Better relationships

LPC Psychotherapist

Developing and maintaining healthy relationships is one of life's biggest challenges. It's easy to focus on what others should do to make our lives easier. Unfortunately, people often don’t change just because we want them to. Parents might ignore boundaries, a spouse might fight you on buying another guitar (hypothetically), and kids will be kids--even into adulthood.

As a therapist, I encourage people to shift their mindset from what others should do to what they can do to improve relationships. Sure, it would be great if the guy in the next cubicle learned to chew with his mouth closed, but that's probably not going to happen.

Some people seem to be masters at relationships. They remain calm in emotionally-charged situations, avoid petty arguments, and show compassion and empathy. These are the people we admire and aspire to be like. What sets them apart? One important answer is the concept of “differentiation.”

Differentiation is a concept developed by Dr. David Schnarch. It’s about finding balance between two fundamental drives: autonomy (being our own person) and attachment (connecting with others). One of life's great challenges is to find a healthy balance between becoming a solid individual and fostering deep relationships. Problems arise when there’s too much of one and not enough of the other.

An overly autonomous person might feel that others are responsible for their emotions, using phrases like “you made me so mad.” On the other hand, someone too dependent might feel responsible for others' emotions, thinking, “if I were better, they wouldn’t be mad at me.”

These dynamics play out in many relationships. You might know families where there is such a focus on togetherness that they never fight. Disagreements may become so taboo that conflicts never get resolved. On the other hand, some relationships are so rigid and individualized to the point where compromise and harmony are nearly impossible.

So, the big question: How do we develop a healthy level of differentiation? Scharch outlines four ideas to work on.

1. Flexible Self-Identity
   We should be able to stand on our own two feet without stepping on others. People with a flexible self-identity can learn from mistakes and take responsibility. When someone points out a mistake, they don’t get defensive. Owning our actions helps others feel heard and connected. Flexibility is the opposite of rigidity. Being able to focus on outcomes instead of insisting on our way can lead to happier relationships. As Proverbs 27:17 says, “As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” If someone who cares about you says you were acting like a jerk, they’re probably right.
   
   
2. Mindfulness and Self-Soothing
   Learning to calm yourself is a step toward relationship mastery, and understanding how your mind, body, and spirit interact is crucial. One way to grow in our emotional intelligence is to work on recognizing emotions by expanding our understanding of them. When we know what we’re feeling, we’re able to address the problem and do something about it. For example, anger is often a secondary emotion to fear. Without fear, there is nothing to be angry about. We get angry when someone cuts us off in traffic because we fear our loved ones will get in a collision. It can be helpful to remember that every Geo Metro that pulls in front of you isn’t looking to start a fight. Take a moment to recognize your knee-jerk reaction and process your emotions. Take a deep breath, and be mindful of your feelings.
   
   
3. Grounded Responding
   This means responding thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively. Reactions are often driven by strong emotions and can lead to poor decisions. A response is measured, controlled, and calculated. When emotions dictate our behavior, we make poor decisions. Think of the Hulk vs. Bruce Banner: Hulk might get the job done, but Bruce uses science and reason. Responding calmly and rationally, as James 1:19-20 advises, can prevent unnecessary conflict. Under-reactions, like shutting down or avoiding, can be just as harmful as overreactions. Both extremes can damage relationships.
   
   
4. Meaningful Endurance
   Honest self-reflection leads to growth, which can also be painful. Admitting faults and making changes is challenging but essential. Pride often gets in the way, but overcoming it is crucial for healthy relationships. Brené Brown said, “Guilt is adaptive and helpful–it’s holding something we’ve done or failed to do up against our values and feeling psychological discomfort.” Addressing guilt can lead to positive changes, whereas shame can be debilitating.

We have entered an exciting time in psychology. Scientific research, in my opinion, is really beginning to catch up to the wisdom of the Bible. So much of what we hear today from psychologists and sociologists are principles outlined by Jesus and others in the Bible thousands of years ago. Paul taught about “renewing your mind” in Romans 12; scientists today teach about “neuroplasticity” and our ability to wire new passageways in our brains. Jesus told us not to worry about tomorrow; psychologists encourage mindfulness to limit anxiety about the future. 

Everything we’ve discussed here is similar. Yes, relationships can benefit by developing differentiation, practicing mindfulness, and remaining committed to self-growth. 

It’s also true that if you follow the teachings of the Bible, your relationships will be significantly healthier than if you don’t. When in disagreement, turn the other cheek. Grow in compassion. Be quick to listen and slow to anger. Life won’t be easy, but we’re invited to run with perseverance.

Embracing these principles helps us foster deeper connections and create more balanced, satisfying relationships.